By Karl Augustine
Dating after divorce is a much debated topic due to the psychological
and emotional impact it can have on people. Dating after divorce can be
complex, too often divorcees don't consider the ramifications of dating
after divorce before they jump into it with both feet!
If you're going to start dating again after you've gotten a divorce,
there's quite few things that you should consider beforehand...here's a
partial list you might want to think about:
Dating after divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are aware of your own level of self-confidence.
If are considering dating after divorce, be certain that you are either
confident in yourself as a person or are at least aware of your level
of self-confidence so you can plan accordingly. Self-confidence will
help you to remain lucid when you're dating after divorce. Choosing who
to date and why you want to date them can be a major turning point in
your emotional health after a divorce. If you're self-confident,
chances are good that you'll be able to handle being rejected or
ignored if you're just beginning a relationship.
If you're truly self-confident, you'll be able to have the right mind
set before you begin dating after divorce and any potential let down
will be foreseen by you and "non-damaging" to your emotional state.
Self confidence is perhaps the most important thing to think about from
an emotional health perspective regarding dating after divorce.
Dating after divorce consideration 2: How quickly should you date after getting a divorce?
Fortunately, this is really only a question that you can answer,
assuming your divorce is truly over with and you don't have a custody
battle that's ongoing, a dispute about assets or finances, or any other
type of lingering agreement that needs to be reached that could be
impaired by dating. If you have children, this is a question of their
strength and the strength of your relationship with them.
If you don't have children, this decision is entirely up to you
regarding how you'll approach dating after divorce. Ask yourself how
ready you really are to date again...depending on what you want out of
dating after divorce, i.e., what the end result is to any solid dating
relationship, will drive how quickly you date again. If you're simply
lonely and think you need to date again just for the sake of dating or
to test how you'll respond to dating, you may want to do a serious self
evaluation regarding your confidence level. You will know when you're
ready again to begin dating after divorce - everyone's different. Know
yourself first, then make the decision.
Dating after divorce consideration 3: Should I date while going through a divorce?
Most coaches, attorneys, and counselors will tell you that dating while
going through a divorce is never a good thing to do from a
psychological perspective and a legal perspective. While this article
isn't a form of legal advice, common sense tells you that if you're in
any type of battle regarding marital assets or custody, avoid any
dating.
From an emotional health perspective, dating while going through a
divorce can be damaging to you and your "soon to be" ex-spouse. You'll
be much more mature after the divorce if you self evaluate to figure
out how you contributed to the events that lead to your divorce.
Handling yourself in a caring and sturdy emotional manner during a
divorce can be an extremely difficult thing to do...but, it is a
terrific growing and learning process. Make use of it! Grow as a person
and learn about yourself, and you'll be far better off after the
divorce is final.
Dating after divorce consideration 4: Consider that you may have a
tendency to date someone completely opposite from your spouse and
realize that this isn't healthy.
Dating after divorce is tricky! Be smart, realize that the pain you may
have felt at the hands of your spouse can naturally lead you to want to
date someone who is an opposite of your ex. It is a reasonable and
natural reaction because you might want to avoid having any pain
whatsoever or you may not want to deal with anyone who might remind you
of your ex-spouse.
If you find yourself looking for someone who is your ex's opposite when
dating after divorce, take a deep breath and ask yourself if this
tactic is truly healthy for you. If you answer 'yes', then you're
saying that there was nothing good about your spouse and that you're a
poor decision maker or else you would have never gotten married to your
ex in the first place!
Instead, think of the things you'd like to see in someone that would
make you want to date them and look at the person in and of themselves
only. If you see something in them that reminds you of your ex-spouse,
decide whether that something is a good trait or an undesirable trait.
Only then can you decide about that person in positive fashion. Your
spouse has or had some good traits, define what they are and don't be
afraid to see those traits in someone that you are dating after divorce.
Dating after divorce consideration 5: Do what you need to in order to have a positive outlook on your future after your divorce.
When thinking about dating after divorce, and all the possible fires
that can go with it, keep in mind that you need to feel good about
yourself to be lucid. A positive outlook on life is key to everything
else, and all the future decisions that you will make after your
divorce. Go and do fun things with friends and get out! You should
certainly keep your guard up but don't be overly critical of everything
or you may get so paralyzed be your analysis that you never actually
"get in the game." Your frame of mind on any relationship - friend or
not - after divorce is key factor to your happiness. Keeping a clear
head and heart is a healthy thing. If you keep these considerations in
mind, you'll have a much better time when dating after divorce.
© Karl Augustine, 2005
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
Deciding on Divorce
Dating After
Divorce
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