By Susan Dunn

Language is a behavior potentially under our control, and a powerful loop.  It’s how we act upon the world, and how the world acts upon us.  It’s how we express our thoughts and feelings, and it also influences our thoughts and feelings.  This includes what we say to ourselves as well as what others say to us.  Barring physical force, language is how we get what we want.

Being able to name something gives power.  I’m not talking about naming furniture.  I’m talking about the hard stuff.  It’s “the nameless dread” that gets to us.  We can deal with “I hate asking women out and risking rejection.”   (After you read this article, you’ll reframe that as “It’s unpleasant to risk rejection, but I’ll guts it out to get what I want.”
If you can name reactions, you can think and plan a strategy.  When you realize there’s fear (of losing her) behind your anger (she’s going on a vacation alone), you can avoid doing something stupid.  A pounding heart and blind anger are good for telling you what you want, not good for getting it.

A man doesn’t always choose a verbal strategy, but it must be in  your repertoire, and it’s women’s #1 strategy.

How do people know you’re shy?  Once you show up, they know from your language—verbal and nonverbal.  At a party, a shy guy hangs back, walks the edges of the crowd, doesn’t interrupt a formed-group, waits for permission to speak, and says little.  Eye contact is brief, gestures small, and posture tense.  It’s as if he’s trying to “make small.”  Compare this to the mating strategy of most male animals who puff up, bellow, rear on their hind legs to appear taller, extend their arms and beat their chests, and “make big.”  The message is, “Look at me.  I’ve got it.  You want it.  Come get it.”

Women who see a shy guy think he’s in distress and they either want to change you (kick your butt), avoid you (dead end), or help you ([s]mother hen).

Do you like those options?  I’m not telling you what to do, but if your shyness is keeping you from getting the women you want, you might want to try something different.

1.    Manage your self-talk about women.

Locker-room talk with the guys happens, but if that’s how you refer to women in your own head, objectifying them as body parts is going to manifest and you’ll drive the good ones away.  Get neutral and positive in your head.  Your date isn’t a “babe,” a “dog,” a “ball-buster,” or a “heart-breaker.”  She’s a woman, she’s got a name, she’s got traits, qualities, and a personality.

And don’t tell me “men fall in love visually.”  That’s like saying “toddlers throw things when they get mad.”  We have a 50% divorce rate going on right now, and it isn’t because a man trying to marry a pair of legs is such a great idea.

The divorce rate for second marriages is 60%, and for third, 70%, which means those that didn’t learn the first time, don’t learn again, and that’s the definition of insanity -- doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Marriage is a lesson in learning TO love A REAL HUMAN BEING, not falling IN ove with a turned-up nose, which requires EQ, and if you made a bad call, like choosing a woman whose bra size is bigger than her IQ, it’s one long painful trip to hell that can wreck your health and finances.  It’s particularly risky to marry a woman 20 years younger.  The odds are against you, heavily, and smart guys play the odds, right?  You would have to be at least 40, and the statistics say the older the man at the time of the divorce, the more likely it was the woman who filed.  Ergo, she’ll be the one to leave.  If the man did it for ego, he has dug his own grave, which is what ego creates.

2.    Manage your self-talk about dating.

If you say, “I’m too shy.  I always get turned down” that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You’re better off counting sheep!  Best bet, reframe:  “I have what it takes.  I’m doing fine.”

3.    Manage your language when you’re out.

This takes practice.  What you need to do is amp up enough to get noticed, and to get treated right.  The best way to do this is with coaching.  Also observe a man who’s getting what you want.  It’s a set of behaviors, like a tennis serve.  It can be learned.

Learn and practice now, not when she’s got your head spinning.  We don’t practice punts and passes in a game.  We practice before, with a coach.

AS IT HEATS UP, AVOID THESE:

1.    Tunnel Vision.  Seeing what suits you, not what’s going on.  Think straight.  Waking up once with a coyote-girl is expected.  Finding out you married an addict isn’t.

2.    Taking It Out of Context.  She emails you that you sure were grumpy last night when you were hungry.  You tell your buddy it’s over because she she’s a nag.  She said you were grumpy.

3.    Arbitrary Inferences.  On the third date, don’t look at her in that slinky black dress and infer (1) she sleeps around, or (2) she wants to have your sons.  She’s dressing that way because that’s how she dresses.

4.    Overgeneralization.  Over-reacting to something small.  It’s been 3 months, you’re in love, and that night she’s late.  Don’t think, “She’s late.  She can’t be trusted.  She’s irresponsible.”

5.    Polarized Thinking.  If you start wanting her bad, you don’t have two choices – (1) ask her to marry you now, or (2) dump her so you don’t have to go through the pain.  You have 100 options.  Every time.  That’s EQ.

6.    Magnification.  You go on your first vacation together and she spends money like a drunk sailor.  You think, “I can’t marry this woman.  She ’ll bankrupt me.”  Likewise don’t “awfulize” it.   Yes you can stand that out-of-control feeling you get when you’re with her.  It’s love, cowboy.  It’s supposed to feel good.  (Like bull-riding feels good, right?)

7.    Biased Explanations/Negative Labeling.  She’s testy with the waiter one night, and you make an isolated incident based on fatigue into a character flaw.  She lets another guy kiss her on the cheek.  You label her the “s” word and suddenly she’s evil.

8.    Personalizing.  Sensitive Shy Guy, there are reasons why people do things that have nothing to do with “Yo”.  She’s quiet tonight because she has a cold.

9.    Mind Reading.  It’s a good way to get your heart broken.  One girl’s “I love you” means forever after.  Another’s means “Great party and you’re cute.”

10.    Divine Right.  The feeling is strong, it’s yours, so it’s justified and immutable.  Not.  If you’re mad, you can get unmad.  And it isn’t someone else’s fault.  True you wouldn’t be mad if she hadn’t lost her keys, but someone else wouldn’t be mad because she lost her keys.  (Honest!)

©Susan Dunn, MA, THE EQ COACH.  Helping shy guys get the girl.  Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks. Mailto: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it for information and fees.

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